All Things New

New apartment. New life and singleness. New budget. New scene partners and conversations and plays and props in class, lines to learn, crosses to justify. New plumb line in headstand pose. New interviews and auditions and email addresses and appointments to keep track of. New goals. New vest - for free! New box of wine. Yeah. A box of wine for my birthday. How cool and new is that.

New neighborhood grocery store, laundromat, subway stop, routine, neighbors who let us use their toilet when ours breaks, street rhythms and lights and strange, long absences of sirens. New bedroom to myself equipped with closets (!!!!!) and hallway. New doors with broken knobs, glass panels, and original wood finish. New March, new year in my existence and wrinkles around my eyes. New address. New wall colors and new old dogs who like to lay on a new old floor in what to me is a new old floorplan in a new old brownstone. New sky. 

New confidence, lighting in the mirror, knowledge of myself, and clarity. New action plan for seeing friends, new fire lit under me to get things done. New sense of attainability. New boss at the dayjob and new relationship to build. New orders of business. 

New seconds and minutes whizzing by, filling eternity as they etch stories in our souls, drawing closer to a new future. New need to trust God. New desire. New earrings and dress. New recipes. New books. Happy Resurrection Day!

"Behold, I am making all things new." - Jesus

"Ang Lee and the Uncertainty of Success"

I don't often use my blog to refer to other articles, but this one was so poignant, timely, and needful to my heart today that I thought I would share it here as well. Thanks to my friend and colleague, actress Chelese Belmont, for sharing this on facebook and giving me some much needed comfort and sense of community from the true-life story of a great artist!

"Much is made of genius and talent, but the foundation of any life where you get to realize your ambitions is simply being able to out-last everyone through the tough, crappy times — whether through sheer determination, a strong support network, or simply a lack of options."

Read the full article "Ang Lee and the Uncertainty of Success" here from jeffjlin.com

Note To Self

I am having one of those weeks where I am tired and busy and beginning to succumb to those kinds of thoughts whose spidery tendrils whisper and grab at you from within most dark and twisty of nebulas, Desperation. Fellow actors, I know that you know the galaxy I mean. It is a tiny vortex, always accessible through a sigh, where sight is distorted and deep draughts of the drink Compromise are cooked up by a broken bartender.

Dali's Rabbit Hole from Alice in Wonderland

We none of us like to admit that we frequent the place (it is rather the unfashionable end of the universe). Going there is a nasty habit we pretend not to have, a source of shame, and we try to hide our furtive trips to its shadowy doorstep. But we go there, hypnotized, pathologically comparing ourselves to each other and beating ourselves up for things we didn't do instead of acknowledging the hard work we've done and the successes we've accomplished.

And what's nuts is that we're usually convinced it's the only way - a required pit stop on our trip through life's lessons, an unavoidable toll bridge from point A to point B. As if we can't just steer our starship around it. As if Desperation is everywhere no matter what, like dark matter or god particles or whatever the heck the universe is actually made of. We float into this gross galaxy each time we worry about jobs, auditions, appearance, or the future, and do not remember to breathe deep and take care.

Tonight, thanks to a mentor who has saved my life multiple times (my Dad), I had a bit of a reality-check and intervention within my own mind. I woke myself up on the threshold of that smokey hole and shook off it's weak gravitational pull. I thought I'd share some of the basic things I was reminded of tonight that lifted my gaze from the netherworld of doubt and worry. A simple note to self reminded me that making choices should always be guided by the simple truths that any 6-year-old worth their salt knows implicitly.

Here's what I came up with:

• Money is never a good reason to do anything you are uncomfortable with.
• Be legitimate. Be professional. Be your best, bravest, and brightest.
• Avoid slippery slopes.
• Don't break your mother's heart.
• Stay lovely. Practice loveliness. Look for it everywhere!
• Enjoy life and be thankful for it.
• Treat others as you wish to be treated. No exceptions.
• If something isn't right, it isn't right, and it isn't right. Do the right thing. 

 As my Daddy jolted me by saying, "If God wouldn't do it, don't do it." A tall order to be sure, but a good thing to aim for. I plan on using this simple note to self to help me avoid falling down the rabbit hole next time.

Fellow voyagers, there is no reason why we should let the dark side of the force overwhelm us. It doesn't have to be complicated. Why waste away in a black hole when you can just...not go there?

2013: Year of Awesomeness!

Hi friends! I am stealing today's image from a buddy's facebook feed, as a refreshingly cheesy reminder about positivity, hope, and forward motion. (Who doesn't love cheese?!?!)

Don't give up! My roommate and I have declared that 2013 will be the Year of Awesomeness, and so far, January is laying some great groundwork. I'm happily working my acting muscles at The Barrow Group's fabulous Scene Study 1, meeting cool new acting peeps, attending workshops and EPAs, and working on producing two awesome original projects. AND I got a promotion at my dayjob! Don't you love the days where you can see some of the fruit of your hard work?

Want to join in making 2013 awesome? What are some awesome things you want to make happen this year? Our energy, intention, and perseverance can make it happen!

Babies

Our babies, our best and brightest and most beautiful humans, you whose eyes and minds are full of wonder and raw feeling, new thought and discovery - our babies, the ones who we ought to live for, you who quicken our steps and make us make it through the day - you, babies, you deserve a world better than this one: a world that deserves you. You, sweet things, are too good for us. We could not ask for more perfect creatures for the world. How can there be horrors in your world, the world you better by touching it, the world that ought to protect you? We fail you. We old ones ought to be your big brothers and sisters, your mothers and fathers when your real mothers and fathers are not nearby. We ought to keep you safe. We fail you time and time again. And there is nothing that can be said to justify it. Nothing can explain it. We fail.

Stop the violence. Give them back their world. Love one another.

Equilibria

ME! On set of Equilibria by Harley Brown's Cafe

This month I've been privileged and blessed to work with Harley Brown's Cafe on the new film Equilibria in which I play Marcus. Yes. MARCUS. As in, a male character name. As in, I had a beard and wig and a sock in my trousers most of the shoot. Am I transgender? An otherworldly deux ex machina? Triple agent? Who is the man behind the mask and who is pulling the strings - the mafia, the FBI, the church? You'll have to see the film to find out!

Director Norman Siopis, DP Shaun Jones and AD/renaissance woman Sara Gunderson

And let me tell you what, it's going to be a freaking beautiful movie. This cast/crew was a motley assortment of the most creative, loving, warm and fun people I have ever come across. Check out a sneak peak of the rich, gritty look of the film in these photos courtesy of Harley Brown's. It was one of the best weeks of my life - shooting a film all day every day with amazing people, accomplishing one of my life-long acting goals. Portraying a cross-dressed character has been a DREAM of mine since the first time I saw Shakespeare's Twelfth Night as a wee ten year old, and now I can say that I have done it. Check! So much to be thankful for! I am blown away.

FREEZING on set with director Norman Siopis, during his Hitchcock cameo

In the film my character Marcus is a force to be reckoned with, and there is a powerful theme of balance running through the story. Balance is something I have yet to master in real life. This Thanksgiving, I have a long weekend off from work - marking the first time I have a day off other than Superstorm Sandy since August. This week I am thankful of Equilibria's reminder of balance - of how important it is to find freedom in work, to prioritize artistic endeavors along with survival, to rest and eat and sleep as well as pound the pavement. Balance must be restored.

The universe has a way of self-correcting.

On set of Equilibria. The handsome gent with the beard is ME!!

In a season where I am extremely thankful for a moment's pause and reflection after working on a beautiful project with beautiful people,  I am also thankful for the world of entertainment and art that motivates me to keep pressing forward. I am thankful for the people I've been honored to work with along the way, and the new ones I have met this year. I am thankful for the jobs that allow me to stay in New York, and thankful for the reminder that these jobs are supporting a larger purpose. I am thankful to have a specific vision for the future, a clear desire and star to hitch my wagon to. I am thankful for the busyness before the pitch-perfect calm of balance. I am thankful for paying my dues and the perspective it's helping me to develop, even when I want to complain and stamp my feet like a tired toddler. I am thankful for the silly, tired mistakes I make that give me insight and help me learn my own limitations. I am thankful to know once and for all how important it is to find my equilibrium as an artist and a person, and I look forward to seeking that balance in every aspect of my life moving forward.

I love these people. Thanks Equilibria family!!

And you know what? I am looking forward to seeking balance, and to the balancing act itself. Because it is a blessing to be able to juggle along the tightrope. It's a blessing to be alive.

Frankenstorm

So much to be thankful for.

No sharks in my yard.

Plenty of food and water and power.

Good company.

Loving vibes.

A day off!!! (First in two and a half months! Last day off until Christmas...Lord help us...)

Friends, roommates, loved ones, and stranded guests playing spades.

A bottle of vino verde.

 Sherlock! On Netflix!

 Life. Tides changing. Tempests churning. Change. Climax. Turning points.